| [swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:41:29 PM | |
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller, And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!' |
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| [swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:39:36 PM | |
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>A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs
>some cyanide.
>
>The pharmacist said "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband!
>
>The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said "Lord have mercy, I can't
>give you cyanide to kill your husband!
>"That's against the law!
>"I'll lose my licence, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kind
>of bad things will happen!
>"Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>
>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>husband and the pharmacist's wife.
>
>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
>didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
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| [swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:38:39 PM | |
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Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense..)
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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad
Breath in the morning!) |
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| [crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:33:59 PM | |
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| [ron h] Monday, September 01, 2008 11:37:06 AM | |
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 Hopefully Auntie Midred has a sense of humor...  |
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| [crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 11:08:04 AM | |
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LOL--DAMN YOU RON !!! --MY AUNT'S NAME IS MILDRED --I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO FACE HER NOW WITHOUT THINKING OF THIS JOKE !!!!
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Monday, September 01, 2008 10:32:20 AM)| |  | ronhartsell wrote: | | This one is really tasteless, don't read if sensitive!!!
Frank and Milly were old friends. They would meet at the coffee shop every morning for breakfast and then go about their business.
Over breakfast one particular morning, Milly asked Frank what he missed most about his youth. After pondering this for a while he replies, "The sex. Yes, I miss sex the most".
She turns to him and says, "You can't be serious? As old as you are and ALL the experiences you've had, you can't really miss sex the most, can you?"
He replies, "Well, maybe I just miss 'it' being held once in a while."
Milly says, "You know Frank, we have been friends forever, I think I can help you out with that".
So for the next week or so they would meet for breakfast and coffee, have their usual conversation, and she would hold 'it' for him.
On the following Monday Milly was at the coffee shop at the regular time, but there was no Frank. So she ate her breakfast and drank her coffee by herself.
When she left and was driving through town on the way home she sees Franks' Car parked in front of her friend Mildred's house. So she parks the car and goes to the door and walks in when she sees Frank and Mildred sitting on the couch together with her holding 'it'.
Milly says to Frank, "Frank, we've been friends forever, we drink coffee and eat breakfast and talk every morning, what does Mildred 'have' that I don't?"
Frank looks at Milly and says, "She has 'tourette".
Edited at: Monday, September 01, 2008 10:33:58 AM |
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| [ron h] Monday, September 01, 2008 10:32:20 AM | |
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This one is really tasteless, don't read if sensitive!!!
Frank and Milly were old friends. They would meet at the coffee shop every morning for breakfast and then go about their business.
Over breakfast one particular morning, Milly asked Frank what he missed most about his youth. After pondering this for a while he replies, "The sex. Yes, I miss sex the most".
She turns to him and says, "You can't be serious? As old as you are and ALL the experiences you've had, you can't really miss sex the most, can you?"
He replies, "Well, maybe I just miss 'it' being held once in a while."
Milly says, "You know Frank, we have been friends forever, I think I can help you out with that".
So for the next week or so they would meet for breakfast and coffee, have their usual conversation, and she would hold 'it' for him.
On the following Monday Milly was at the coffee shop at the regular time, but there was no Frank. So she ate her breakfast and drank her coffee by herself.
When she left and was driving through town on the way home she sees Franks' Car parked in front of her friend Mildred's house. So she parks the car and goes to the door and walks in when she sees Frank and Mildred sitting on the couch together with her holding 'it'.
Milly says to Frank, "Frank, we've been friends forever, we drink coffee and eat breakfast and talk every morning, what does Mildred 'have' that I don't?"
Frank looks at Milly and says, "She has 'tourette".
Edited at: Monday, September 01, 2008 10:33:58 AM |
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| [crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 3:33:09 PM | |
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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN
A WOMAN'S POEM:
BEFORE I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
I PRAY FOR A MAN WHO'S NOT A CREEP
ONE WHO'S HANDSOME ,SMART & STRONG
ONE WHO LOVES TO LISTEN ALL NIGHT LONG
ONE WHO THINKS BEFORE HE SPEAKS
ONE WHO'LL CALL,NOT WAIT FOR WEEKS
I PRAY HE'S GAINFULLY EMPLOYED
AND WHEN I SPEND HIS CASH,HE WON'T BE ANNOYED
PULLS OUT MY CHAIR, OPENS THE DOOR
MASSAGES MY BACK & BEGS FOR MORE
OH SEND ME A MAN WHO'LL MAKE LOVE TO MY MIND
AND KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER TO " HOW BIG IS MY BEHIND ?"
I PRAY THAT THIS MAN WILL LOVE ME TO NO END
AND WILL ALWAYS WANT TO BE MY BEST FRIEND
A MAN'S POEM :
I PRAY FOR A DEAF MUTE NYPHOMANIAC GYMNAST WITH BIG BOOBS WHO OWNS A BAR ON A GOLF COURSE & LOVES TO SEND ME FISHIN' & DRINKIN'. THIS DOESN'T RHYME & I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. |
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| [crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 3:23:37 PM | |
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Happy And Sad
A husband & wife were sitting watching tv when the husband turns to the wife & says "Tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time "
The wife replies "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends " |
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| [crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 7:19:36 AM | |
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Apartment For Rent
A married businessman met a beautiful woman & agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing & before he left ,he told her he didn't have the cash with him,but would have his secretary write out a check & mail it to her calling the payment "Apartment For Rent "
On the way to work , he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check & enclose the following typed note .
Dear Madam, enclosed you will find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . i am not sending the full amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that
#1--it had never been occupied
#2--there was plenty of heat &
#3--it was small enough to make me feel cozy & at home
"However-I found that
#1--It had previously been occupied
#2--there wasn't any heat
#3--it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note-the woman immediately returned the check with the following note
"Dear Sir,
#1-I can't understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely
#2--As for the heat, there is plenty of it ,if you know how to turn it on
#3--Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it ,please don't blame the management.
So please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady." |
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| [crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 6:37:14 AM | |
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Thanks for making me laugh Ron --I really needed that !!--
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:59:40 PM)| | | ronhartsell wrote: | | | A Doberman |
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| [ron h] Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:59:40 PM | |
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| [Scottzilla] Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:41:03 PM | |
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| I think I can see where that one is going...maybe a Cadillac? |
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| [ron h] Saturday, August 30, 2008 7:41:49 PM | |
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| What's 'black' and 'brown' and looks good on my Ex? |
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| [crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 9:23:28 PM | |
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[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by WhiskeyWoman from Thursday, August 28, 2008 11:23:09 AM)| | | WhiskeyWoman wrote: | | After having a conversation with her friends about how 'women-of-the-evening' can make $400 a trick in Vegas, a bored housewife went home and couldn't stop thinking about it.
Her husband walked by their bedroom door and, noticing her packed bags and the room in disarray, asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I hear woman get paid $400 for sex in Vegas, so I'm off to give it a try."
At which point, he started packing his stuff too.
She asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
He said, "I'm coming along! I want to see how you live on $800 a year ..." 
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| [WhiskeyWoman] Thursday, August 28, 2008 11:23:09 AM | |
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After having a conversation with her friends about how 'women-of-the-evening' can make $400 a trick in Vegas, a bored housewife went home and couldn't stop thinking about it.
Her husband walked by their bedroom door and, noticing her packed bags and the room in disarray, asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I hear woman get paid $400 for sex in Vegas, so I'm off to give it a try."
At which point, he started packing his stuff too.
She asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
He said, "I'm coming along! I want to see how you live on $800 a year ..."
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| [crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:06:27 AM | |
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Cans Of Worms
A minister decided to have a visual demonstration along with his Sunday sermon.
He placed a worm in 4 seperate cans.
The first can was alcohol
The second can was cigarette smoke
The third can was chocolate syrup
The fourth can was good clean soil.
At the end of the sermon,the minister gave these following results :
the first can of alcohol--worm dead
second can of cigarette smoke--worm dead
third can of chocolate syrup--worm dead
but the fourth can of good clean soil--worm was alive !!
The minister asked the congregation "What have you learned from this ?"
A little old lady raised her hand & said "If ya drink, smoke and eat chocolate , you won't have worms "
To this day , there are no more visual demonstrations .
Edited at: Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:07:12 AM |
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| [ron h] Thursday, August 28, 2008 7:32:43 AM | |
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I like that one a lot lollol
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by loripip from Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:51:35 AM)| | | loripip wrote: | | A husband & wife came for counseling after 30 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate ,painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had over the 30 years.
She went on & on --neglect--lack of intimacy--feeling unloved--etc.
Finally after allowing this to go on for a long time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & kissed the wife passionately as the husband stared.
The woman shut up & quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband & said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"
The husband thought for a moment & replied, "Well I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays but on Fridays I fish. " |
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| [crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:51:35 AM | |
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A husband & wife came for counseling after 30 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate ,painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had over the 30 years.
She went on & on --neglect--lack of intimacy--feeling unloved--etc.
Finally after allowing this to go on for a long time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & kissed the wife passionately as the husband stared.
The woman shut up & quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband & said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"
The husband thought for a moment & replied, "Well I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays but on Fridays I fish. " |
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| [crypticangle] Wednesday, August 27, 2008 5:30:44 PM | |
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[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Bullet- from Monday, August 25, 2008 2:12:21 PM)| | | Bullet- wrote: | | Another guy goes to the doctor complaining of terrible gas.
"Doc, it's terrible. I can't work. I can't go out. My wife and kids can't even come in the house when I'm there. You gotta help me."
The doctor, after careful thought, leaves the room and comes back with a 10 foot pole with a big, menacing hook on it.
The guy nervously asks "What are you going to do with that hook?"
The doctor says "I need it to open the window. It stiinks in here." |
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