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Tasteless Jokes (if easily offended, DON'T enter)
 This Topic was created by [ron h] Messages per page: 20 50 [100]
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I can never remember a joke, so PLEASE share some with me!





   

[ron h] Tuesday, September 23, 2008 1:35:39 PM 
I'll take partial blame as I could have used more discretion in my wording.  It didn't occur to me at the time that it would be interpreted as such. 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by XGunslingerX from Tuesday, September 23, 2008 1:31:05 PM)
[Rorschach] Tuesday, September 23, 2008 1:31:05 PM 
well then i misunderstood the tread and i am sorry to those that i offended
[ron h] Tuesday, September 23, 2008 10:25:59 AM 
Tasteless jokes are one thing, that was not even tasteless, let alone funny.  If it can't be repeated at work, then don't post it.  Let's use a little  GOD given common sense here.
I know some people don't like this thread because of the title, but if you read the description, I want to be able to use these jokes.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by XGunslingerX from Tuesday, September 23, 2008 9:36:20 AM)
[Rorschach] Tuesday, September 23, 2008 9:36:20 AM 
the thread is called tasteless jokes so i posted 1 i am not an anti semite i love kiss
[ron h] Monday, September 22, 2008 12:42:42 AM 
Thanks bro.  I have now officially washed my hands of this and it's over with!!  (At least I know that good folks like you know the difference!!) 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by guidogodoy from Monday, September 22, 2008 12:03:20 AM)
[guidogodoy] Monday, September 22, 2008 12:03:20 AM 
Hey, bro. Anyone with half a thought knew what you meant. "Spirit" of the law applies here. We "normals" get and enjoy it! I sure do.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:49:58 PM)
[jimmyjames] Monday, September 22, 2008 12:00:22 AM 
Whats the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste.
[jimmyjames] Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:52:54 PM 
The nurse walked away from the screaming patient with a bowl of extremely hot water. " I thought I told you to prick his boil " said the doctor. 
[ron h] Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:49:58 PM 
Thank you, Momo.  I want this to be fun and enjoyable, and i want to be able to repeat these.  I guess I just got a little upset that some people might think that by the title of this thread, I might be promoting racism or homophobia.
Humor is the point is all.
Again, Thank you!   
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by momo from Sunday, September 21, 2008 5:58:23 PM)
[ron h] Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:32:37 PM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by jimmyjames from Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:30:17 PM)
[jimmyjames] Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:30:17 PM 
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Ones a scum sucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish.

Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
[ron h] Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:07:14 PM 
What do you call a bus load of Lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?  A good start lol.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by jimmyjames from Sunday, September 21, 2008 10:31:59 PM)
[jimmyjames] Sunday, September 21, 2008 10:31:59 PM 

Hope lawyers are fair game.....

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a carload of lawyers?

With a carload of lawyers the pricks are on the inside.

How do you know your in the middle of a messy divorce?

You start to like your lawyer.

Whats the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance.

[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Sunday, September 21, 2008 7:38:26 PM 
[momo] Sunday, September 21, 2008 5:58:23 PM 
I don't think you need to take responsibility for that moron, Anyone who starts a topic has no idea what someone may post. No apology neccesary!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Sunday, September 21, 2008 5:25:42 PM)
[ron h] Sunday, September 21, 2008 5:25:42 PM 
As the originator of this thread, the intent was to fore-warn people that if you are easily offended by some types of humor, then pass this thread up. 

It NEVER WAS OR EVER WILL BE an EXCUSE to put up GARBAGE like that particular post.  

This thread is for HUMOR AND HUMOR ONLY.

THERE IS NOTHING HUMOROUS ABOUT THAT!!!

I AM TRULY SORRY THAT I GAVE ALL PRIEST FANS THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WITH REGARDS TO USING COMMON SENSE.

99 % OF THE FANS ON THIS SITE ARE COURTEOUS AND RESPECTFUL, EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT AGREE ON SOMETHING.  THEN THERE'S THAT 1% !!!

Anyone here who has taken the time to get to know me knows that is NOT what I'm about.

I have to take responsibility as this is my thread, all I can do is apologize for allowing that MORON to THINK that it would be OK to post something like that, based on the description of this thread.

Ron Hartsell   
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Gibbo UK from Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:04:34 PM)
[Soylentgreen4u] Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:49:53 PM 
OH MY!!!.......THAT'S POSSIBLY A RATHER SENSITIVE SUBJECT TO SOME OF OUR MEMBERS,
AND ALTHOUGH I'M NOT JEWISH,I FEEL IT'S A VERY HURTFUL TOPIC TO INCLUDE AS COMEDY,TO BOTH OF JEWISH AND GERMAN DESCENT...HOWEVER,TO BE FAIR,I'M HOPING YOU PROBABLY POSTED IT WITHOUT THINKING IT THROUGH AND REGRET DOING SO.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by XGunslingerX from Friday, September 19, 2008 4:02:01 PM)
[Gibbo UK] Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:04:34 PM 
I agree with Phantom on his comment.I think the title of this thread is a bit misleading or an excuse not to read any of the posts as it may contain jokes about blacks,jews and gays.Racism or homophobia is not welcome on this site.
FORUM GUIDELNES... Before you can post a message on the noticeboard (messageboard) you have to provide a valid email address and password. Whilst you may find this annoying, it allows us to restrict access to this board to anyone who may abuse it. The aim of this is to allow you, the true Judas Priest fans, a place to discuss Judas Priest issues without interference from unsuitable material.

Edited at: Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:10:22 PM
[Phantom A6] Sunday, September 21, 2008 2:09:20 PM 
Garrett,
you like racism and fascism and anti-Semitic slogans?
Keep this private! This page isn't the space for things like this!

Michael
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by XGunslingerX from Friday, September 19, 2008 4:02:01 PM)
[Rorschach] Friday, September 19, 2008 4:02:01 PM 
[This message has been banned]
[Metal god/Electric eye! [Banned]] Wednesday, September 17, 2008 7:49:11 AM 
THANKS FOR THE STORM WARNING!  ELECTRIC EYE!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by lalouve from Wednesday, September 17, 2008 7:34:30 AM)
[lalouve] Wednesday, September 17, 2008 7:34:30 AM 
choose carefully ... it's foggy today in my part of the world ...
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Metal god/Electric eye! from Tuesday, September 16, 2008 7:53:15 PM)
[Metal god/Electric eye! [Banned]] Tuesday, September 16, 2008 7:53:15 PM 
CUM ON LETS FACE IT!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by lalouve from Sunday, September 14, 2008 5:31:38 AM)
[jimmyjames] Monday, September 15, 2008 6:54:49 PM 
These ones are really bad so don't read em if your easily offended or disgusted.

Whats green and melts in your mouth?
A lepers cock.

Whats a definition of a good time?
Dipping your dick in sugar and walking through a kindergarten.

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriends ass.
[crypticangle] Monday, September 15, 2008 2:24:06 PM 
Good one Jaime !! 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by jimmyjames from Monday, September 15, 2008 7:47:17 AM)
[jimmyjames] Monday, September 15, 2008 7:47:17 AM 

A guy goes into a confessional and says "forgive me father for i have sinned" "confess your sins and all will be forgiven my son" the priest replies. "well father " says the guy  "yesterday my wife was bending over to get something out of the freezer, she was wearing a short skirt and it rode up exposing her panties to me, i was overcome with lust, i couldn't help myself, i went over, pulled down her panties and shafted her hard, right there and then" "thats it?" the priest asks, "yes father thats what happend, am i going to hell?" says the guy, "my son, this was your wife you say?" "yes father" "my son it is perfectly natural for a man to express his love for his wife in a physical way in the eyes of the church, you're not going to go to hell, if it makes you feel any better go home and say 10 hail marys" "really father, thats fantastic news, i was so worried, i thought i was going to be banned from the church"  "not at all my son" says the priest " the church would never ban a man for making love to his wife" "well could you have word to the people at the supermarket for me then father"

[crypticangle] Monday, September 15, 2008 5:14:34 AM 
THE SAPLING
TWO TALL TREES. A BIRCH & A BEECH ARE GROWING IN THE WOODS. A SMALL TREE BEGINS TO GROW IN BETWEEN THEM & THE BEECH SAYS TO THE BIRCH "IS THAT THE SON OF A BEECH OR THE SON OF A BIRCH ?"
THE BIRCH TREE SAYS HE CAN'T TELL.
JUST THEN A WOODPECKER LANDS ON THE SAPLING.
THE BIRCH TREE SAYS " WOODPECKER, YOU ARE A TREE EXPERT. CAN YOU TELL IF THAT IS THE SON OF A BEECH OR THE SON OF A BIRCH ?"
THE WOODPECKER TAKES A TASTE OF THE SMALL TREE.
HE REPLIES " IT IS NEITHER A SON OF A BEECH OR THE SON OF A BIRCH.  IT IS HOWEVER THE BEST PEICE OF ASH I'VE EVER PUT MY PECKER IN !! "
[Phantom A6] Sunday, September 14, 2008 5:37:38 AM 

 LMAO
 LMFAO


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by lalouve from Sunday, September 14, 2008 5:31:38 AM)
[lalouve] Sunday, September 14, 2008 5:31:38 AM 
What's the difference between a 69 and a winding mountain road in a blizzard ?

------ with the 69 you can at least see the asshole coming up ahead
[jimmyjames] Sunday, September 14, 2008 3:49:44 AM 

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, Michael Jackson fucks kids.

[crypticangle] Tuesday, September 02, 2008 5:54:15 AM 
LOL  
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by swordsman5 from Tuesday, September 02, 2008 5:42:18 AM)
[swordsman5] Tuesday, September 02, 2008 5:42:18 AM 
Old man goes to the doctor who askes him what is his problem. "Well every morning at 8.15 I have a massive dump." replies the old man.
"That's not a problem" replies the doctor, "In fact it's a very good sign that your bowels and digestive system are in good working order."
"Oh yes it is a problem" replies the old man, " I don't get up until 9 o'clock!"
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 3:03:11 PM 
WHAT DID ONE SAGGY BOOB SAY TO THE OTHER ?
IF WE DON'T GET SUPPORT SOON, PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK WE'RE NUTS 
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 2:52:18 PM 
THE OLD MAN & THE SPERM COUNT
A LITTLE OLD MAN WENT TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT HIS SPERM COUNT.
THE DOC GAVE HIM A SPECIMEN JAR & TOLD HIM TO TAKE IT HOME. FILL IT UP & BRING IT BACK THE NEXT DAY
THE LITTLE OLD MAN BROUGHT THE JAR BACK THE NEXT DAY AS CLEAN & EMPTY AS THE DAY BEFORE.
THE DOC ASKED "THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE--WHAT HAPPENED ?"
THE LITTLE OLD MAN SAID "WELL IT'S LIKE THIS-I TRIED IT WITH MY RIGHT HAND --NOTHING --THEN I TRIED IT WITH MY LEFT HAND --NOTHING--I ASKED MY WIFE TO HELP--SHE EVEN TRIED WITH HER MOUTH -TEETH IN & TEETH OUT--NOTHING--SO I ASKED MY NEIGHBOR TO HELP--SHE TRIED IT WITH HER HANDS , ARMPITS  & EVEN SQUEEZED IT WITH HER KNEES --NOTHING"
THE DOCTOR SAID " YOU ASKED YOUR NEIGHBOR ?'
THE LITLLE OLD MAN SAID " YES--& NONE OF US COULD GET THE DANG JAR OPENED."
[guidogodoy] Monday, September 01, 2008 2:41:23 PM 
I am going to have to share that one around the water cooler!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by swordsman5 from Monday, September 01, 2008 1:41:29 PM)
[Soylentgreen4u] Monday, September 01, 2008 2:01:59 PM 
THAT'S CUTE...
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by loripip from Monday, September 01, 2008 1:49:48 PM)
[Vaillant 3.0] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:53:22 PM 
AWWW, MAN!!! THATS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by loripip from Monday, September 01, 2008 1:49:48 PM)
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:49:48 PM 
THE LITTLE OLD MAN
A LITTLE OLD MAN WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR HIS CHECKUP
THE DOCTOR ASKED "HOW IS EVERYTHING GOING --BOWELS WORKING-- ARE YOU EATING RIGHT --HOW'S YOUR  PEEING ? "
THE LITTLE OLD MAN SAID "EVERYTHING'S FINE AS A MATTER-OF-FACT WHEN I GO TO PEE AT NIGHT THE TOILET LIGHT COMES ON WHEN I START PEEING & GOES OFF WHEN I'M DONE."
THE DOCTOR IS CONFUSED BY THIS & ASKS THE WIFE WHAT THE LITTLE OLD MAN MEANT
THE WIFE REPLIES "OH THAT OLD FOOL HAS BEEN PEEING IN THE FRIDGE !! "
Edited at: Monday, September 01, 2008 1:56:03 PM
[Soylentgreen4u] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:48:14 PM 

YYYYOUCH!!! ....THAT'S GOTTA HURT...


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by swordsman5 from Monday, September 01, 2008 1:41:29 PM)
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:45:17 PM 
LMAO   !!!!  
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by swordsman5 from Monday, September 01, 2008 1:41:29 PM)
[swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:41:29 PM 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller, And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'
[swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:39:36 PM 
>A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs
>some cyanide.
>
>The pharmacist said "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
>The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband!
>
>The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said "Lord have mercy, I can't
>give you cyanide to kill your husband!
>"That's against the law!
>"I'll lose my licence, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kind
>of bad things will happen!
>"Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
>
>Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>husband and the pharmacist's wife.
>
>The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you
>didn't tell me you had a prescription."
[swordsman5] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:38:39 PM 
Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense..)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad
Breath in the morning!)
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 1:33:59 PM 

AUNTIE MILDRED HAS ALZHEIMERS---SHE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR BUT IT COMES & GOES


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Monday, September 01, 2008 11:37:06 AM)
[ron h] Monday, September 01, 2008 11:37:06 AM 
Hopefully Auntie Midred has a sense of humor...
[crypticangle] Monday, September 01, 2008 11:08:04 AM 
LOL--DAMN YOU RON  !!! --MY AUNT'S NAME IS MILDRED --I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO FACE HER NOW WITHOUT THINKING OF THIS JOKE    !!!!  
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Monday, September 01, 2008 10:32:20 AM)
[ron h] Monday, September 01, 2008 10:32:20 AM 
This one is really tasteless, don't read if sensitive!!!

Frank and Milly were old friends.  They would meet at the coffee shop every morning for breakfast and then go about their business.
Over breakfast one particular morning, Milly asked Frank what he missed most about his youth.  After pondering this for a while he replies, "The sex.  Yes, I miss sex the most".  
She turns to him and says, "You can't be serious?  As old as you are and ALL the experiences you've had, you can't really miss sex the most, can you?"
He replies, "Well, maybe I just miss 'it' being held once in a while."
Milly says, "You know Frank, we have been friends forever, I think I can help you out with that".
So for the next week or so they would meet for breakfast and coffee, have their usual conversation, and she would hold 'it' for him.
On the following Monday Milly was at the coffee shop at the regular time, but there was no Frank.  So she ate her breakfast and drank her coffee by herself.  
When she left and was driving through town on the way home she sees Franks' Car parked in front of her friend Mildred's house.  So she parks the car and goes to the door and walks in when she sees Frank and Mildred sitting on the couch together with her holding 'it'.
Milly says to Frank, "Frank, we've been friends forever, we drink coffee and eat breakfast and talk every morning, what does Mildred 'have' that I don't?"
Frank looks at Milly and says, "She has 'tourette".
Edited at: Monday, September 01, 2008 10:33:58 AM
[crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 3:33:09 PM 
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN
A WOMAN'S POEM:
BEFORE I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP
I PRAY FOR A MAN WHO'S NOT A CREEP
ONE WHO'S HANDSOME ,SMART & STRONG
ONE WHO LOVES TO LISTEN ALL NIGHT LONG
ONE WHO THINKS BEFORE HE SPEAKS
ONE WHO'LL CALL,NOT WAIT FOR WEEKS
I PRAY HE'S GAINFULLY EMPLOYED
AND WHEN I SPEND HIS CASH,HE WON'T BE ANNOYED
PULLS OUT MY CHAIR,  OPENS THE DOOR
MASSAGES MY BACK & BEGS FOR MORE
OH SEND ME A MAN WHO'LL MAKE LOVE TO MY MIND
AND KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER  TO " HOW BIG IS MY BEHIND  ?"
I PRAY THAT THIS MAN WILL LOVE ME TO NO END
AND WILL ALWAYS WANT TO BE MY BEST FRIEND

A MAN'S POEM :
I PRAY FOR A DEAF MUTE NYPHOMANIAC GYMNAST WITH BIG BOOBS WHO OWNS A BAR ON A GOLF COURSE & LOVES TO SEND ME FISHIN' & DRINKIN'.  THIS DOESN'T RHYME  & I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
[crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 3:23:37 PM 

Happy And Sad
 A husband & wife were sitting watching tv when the husband turns to the wife & says "Tell me something that will make me happy & sad at the same time "
The wife replies "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends "

[crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 7:19:36 AM 
Apartment For Rent
A married businessman met a beautiful woman & agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing & before he left ,he told her he didn't have the cash with him,but would have his secretary write out a check & mail it to her calling the payment "Apartment For Rent "
On the way to work , he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his  secretary send a check & enclose the following typed note .
Dear Madam, enclosed you will find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . i am not sending the full amount agreed  upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that
#1--it had never been occupied
#2--there was plenty of heat &
#3--it was small enough to make me feel cozy & at home
"However-I found that
#1--It had previously been occupied
#2--there wasn't any heat
#3--it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note-the woman immediately returned the check with the following note
"Dear Sir,
 #1-I can't understand how you could expect  a beautiful apartment  to remain unoccupied indefinitely
#2--As for the heat, there is plenty of it ,if you know how to turn it on
#3--Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed  of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it ,please don't blame the management.
So please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
[crypticangle] Sunday, August 31, 2008 6:37:14 AM 
Thanks for making me laugh Ron --I really needed that !!--
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhartsell from Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:59:40 PM)
[ron h] Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:59:40 PM 
A Doberman
[Scottzilla] Saturday, August 30, 2008 10:41:03 PM 
I think I can see where that one is going...maybe a Cadillac?
[ron h] Saturday, August 30, 2008 7:41:49 PM 
What's 'black' and 'brown' and looks good on my Ex?
[crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 9:23:28 PM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by WhiskeyWoman from Thursday, August 28, 2008 11:23:09 AM)
[WhiskeyWoman] Thursday, August 28, 2008 11:23:09 AM 
After having a conversation with her friends about how 'women-of-the-evening' can make $400 a trick in Vegas, a bored housewife went home and couldn't stop thinking about it.

Her husband walked by their bedroom door and, noticing her packed bags and the room in disarray, asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I hear woman get paid $400 for sex in Vegas, so I'm off to give it a try." 
At which point, he started packing his stuff too.

She asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

He said, "I'm coming along!  I want to see how you live on $800 a year ..." 
[crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:06:27 AM 

Cans Of Worms
A minister decided to have a visual demonstration along with his Sunday sermon.
He placed a worm in 4 seperate cans.
The first can was alcohol
The second can was cigarette smoke
The third can was chocolate syrup
The fourth can was good clean soil.
At the end of the sermon,the minister gave these following results :
the first can of alcohol--worm dead
second can of cigarette smoke--worm dead
third can of chocolate syrup--worm dead
but the fourth can of good clean soil--worm was alive !!
The minister asked the congregation "What have you learned from this ?"
A little old lady raised her hand & said "If ya drink, smoke and eat chocolate , you won't have worms "
To this day , there are  no more visual demonstrations .


Edited at: Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:07:12 AM
[ron h] Thursday, August 28, 2008 7:32:43 AM 
I like that one a lot lollol
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by loripip from Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:51:35 AM)
[crypticangle] Thursday, August 28, 2008 6:51:35 AM 
A husband & wife came for counseling after 30 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate ,painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had over the 30 years.
She went on & on --neglect--lack of intimacy--feeling unloved--etc.
Finally after allowing this to go on for a long time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk & kissed the wife passionately as the husband stared.
The woman shut up & quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband & said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"
The husband thought for a moment & replied, "Well I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays but on Fridays I fish. "
[crypticangle] Wednesday, August 27, 2008 5:30:44 PM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Bullet- from Monday, August 25, 2008 2:12:21 PM)
[Bullet-] Monday, August 25, 2008 2:12:21 PM 
Another guy goes to the doctor complaining of terrible gas.
"Doc, it's terrible.  I can't work.  I can't go out.  My wife and kids can't even come in the house when I'm there.  You gotta help me."
The doctor, after careful thought, leaves the room and comes back with a 10 foot pole with a big, menacing hook on it.
The guy nervously asks "What are you going to do with that hook?"
The doctor says "I need it to open the window.  It stiinks in here."
[taha] Sunday, August 24, 2008 7:42:11 PM 
guy goes to the Dr. and finds out he has nut cancer, Dr. says I gotta take out one of those nuts, guy replies, but Dr. I won't be a double barrel  shotgun anymore.
Dr. says, yea you'll be a single shot pump.
guy goes home and a few days later the Dr. calls and says I have to take out both nuts.
guy replies, now I'm gona be a pee shooter
[crypticangle] Sunday, August 24, 2008 7:14:01 PM 

EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Bullet- from Saturday, August 23, 2008 10:43:50 AM)
[Bullet-] Saturday, August 23, 2008 10:43:50 AM 

Here's a couple of gems from a review of a Tony Clifton show in Chicago.  You will love 'em or hate 'em.  There's no fence sitting with these ones.

“Jeffrey Dahmer’s mom says to him, “I don’t like your friends.” So he says, “Then try the salad.”

“What’s the worst part of being a child molester? Getting the blood off your clown costume.”

[ron h] Saturday, August 23, 2008 7:33:52 AM 
That is too funny!If only I can remember it!!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by loripip from Friday, August 22, 2008 10:27:08 AM)
[crypticangle] Friday, August 22, 2008 10:27:08 AM 

Buttercups & Golf Balls
Towards the end of the golf course,Dave hit his ball into the woods & found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch
All of a sudden ......POOF !!!!
In a flash & puff of smoke, a little old woman  appeared.
She said "I m Mother Nature !!!--Do you know how long it took me  to make those buttercups ? Just for doing what you've done ,you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life--better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life--As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life !!!
Then ..POOF she was gone !!
After Dave recvered from the initial  shock, he hollared for his friend , Fred.--"Where are you ?"
Fred yells back " I'm over here in the Pussy Willows"
Dave shouts back "DON'T SWING FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING !!!:

[ron h] Wednesday, August 13, 2008 3:21:03 PM 
[ron h] Tuesday, August 12, 2008 6:31:33 AM 
One day a Lutheran passed away.  We he got to the Pearly Gates, St.Peter met him and asked him if he would like a tour of Heaven.  The man said yes and off they went.
When they got to the first door, St.Peter said, "Go ahead and look inside, here are all the Mormons".  The man looked inside, said "OK", then moved on to the next.
When they got to the next door, St, Peter said, "Go ahead and look inside, here are all the Baptists".  The man looked inside, said "OK", then moved on to the next.
When they got to the next door, St.Peter said "Go ahead and look inside, here are all the Presbyterians".  The man looked inside and said "OK", then moved on to the next.
This went on for awhile 'til they got to the last door when St.Peter said, "You can look inside this door, but you have to be very, very quiet".  After the man looked inside and closed the door, he turned to St.Peter and asked, "Why do we have to be very, very quiet?"
St.Peter turned to him and replied, "These are the Catholics, they think they're alone up here!"
[ron h] Monday, August 11, 2008 6:03:33 PM 
BIGONOKAS  
[Phantom A6] Monday, August 11, 2008 10:16:32 AM 

Yo!


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Darth_Painkiller_0870 from Monday, August 11, 2008 4:18:44 AM)
[Return_of_Darth_Painkiller_0870] Monday, August 11, 2008 4:18:44 AM 
tittiesuckae
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhart from Sunday, August 10, 2008 6:31:23 PM)
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 6:31:23 PM 
What is the Japaneese word for "big boobs"?
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:40:10 PM 
Hey, That's OK.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by TIMBONI from Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:10:23 PM)
[TIMBONI] Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:10:23 PM 
Oh man, don't give me that much credit.  I can't speak a lick of German.  It just looked funny to me, given the running joke.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Phantom A6 from Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:02:27 PM)
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:02:27 PM 
That's a matter of opinion. Tim, I know what you mean but you can translate "Good in end" in German: "War's am Ende gut?"   [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by TIMBONI from Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:57:43 PM)
Edited at: Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:06:10 PM
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 5:00:11 PM 
lmao
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by TIMBONI from Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:57:43 PM)
[TIMBONI] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:57:43 PM 
"Good in End" ?   
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Phantom A6 from Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:51:53 PM)
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:51:53 PM 
"Good'n'Tight" in German: "Gut und eng".
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhart from Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:42:34 PM)
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:47:09 PM 

Well, a virgin is tight.
But "Good'n'Tight" is amazing. I keep it in my mind.


Edited at: Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:49:39 PM
[TIMBONI] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:44:09 PM 
NICE !   
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:42:34 PM 
I thought it was GOODENTIGHT!!!
  That's no fair, your a REAL German lol!
Edited at: Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:44:25 PM
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:40:33 PM 
"Jungfrau".
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhart from Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:33:47 PM)
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 4:33:47 PM 
How do you say VIRGIN in German???
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 3:54:33 PM 
lollol 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by TIMBONI from Sunday, August 10, 2008 3:02:13 PM)
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 3:53:14 PM 
Last years "hide and seek" winner!!!
[TIMBONI] Sunday, August 10, 2008 3:02:13 PM 
So flies don't get in the lemonade ?
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by EriktheRed9 from Sunday, August 10, 2008 2:59:22 PM)
[EriktheRed9] Sunday, August 10, 2008 2:59:22 PM 
               You know why they put screens in the urinals  ?
[Phantom A6] Sunday, August 10, 2008 1:03:07 PM 
A cleaning mop.
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhart from Sunday, August 10, 2008 11:40:10 AM)
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 11:40:10 AM 
Very good.

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?
[guidogodoy] Sunday, August 10, 2008 11:33:24 AM 
Frog in a blender
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by ronhart from Sunday, August 10, 2008 11:19:19 AM)
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 11:19:19 AM 
OK, I'll go first...

What's green and red and goes 100mph?
[ron h] Sunday, August 10, 2008 9:46:43 AM 
I'm always the guy doing the laughing and not the telling.  I'd like to tell a good joke at work, too!!!  I'll share with you what I hear and you can share with me. 
Thanks and ROCK ON!!!

                                                                                        
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