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come on somebody make me laugh!!!

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[Vaillant 3.0] Friday, March 03, 2017 10:36:33 PM 
There are two ways to make a swiss roll.

One of them is to push Roger Federer down a hill.
[guidogodoy] Monday, February 13, 2017 12:38:46 AM 

Now THIS has got to be a joke. Someone told me that Metallica was on the Grammys with Lady Gaga. Wanting to see the trainwreck, I Youtube it and it was...but what I didn't expect was first to see that Megadeth was given props for "Dystopia." "Great," methinks....until I hear what they play upon going to receive the award. NO WAY!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Yeah, the Grammys are clueless as is the Rock & Roll HoF but to play "Masters of Puppets" and a shitty cover at that when Megadeth gets their first Grammy?!? WHAT A JOKE!!!


[\~AuntieB~/] Sunday, May 01, 2016 9:28:16 AM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by guidogodoy from Thursday, January 24, 2013 7:13:00 PM)
[666ozzypriest666] Sunday, January 17, 2016 8:42:49 AM 

 How you can make Guido busy for hours ? You give him a piece of paper and write on it "please turn the page" on both sides... HHHHAAAAHHHAA! 

[Trixi] Sunday, May 12, 2013 3:34:58 PM 
main riff to breakin' the law by Judas Priest using the "meow" setting of my niece's keyboard

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by hellrider 31038 from Saturday, March 23, 2013 7:34:35 PM)
[hellrider 31038] Saturday, March 23, 2013 7:34:35 PM 




[guidogodoy] Thursday, January 24, 2013 7:13:00 PM 
The pilot of a small freight plane was getting complacent on his phraseology. Every weekday at 2:15 a.m. when stopped at a small airport, he would check in with: "good morning, Jones Field, guess who?" Well, the controller insisted on proper terminology. He lectured the pilot several times to no avail.

One morning the pilot said his usual: "Jones Field, guess who?" The controller then proptly turned off all the airport lights and responded: "Jones Field, guess where?"

From then on, the pilot used proper flight terminology.
[Tyrant] Monday, January 14, 2013 6:42:51 AM 
Quick joke.........

Chuck Norris,  what a joke!

Nuff said....

Never turn your back, on the Ripper! T.O.
[Zomby] Wednesday, January 09, 2013 3:51:42 PM 
 confusious have sex in a fireplace is fucking grate
[Stratovarius217] Sunday, July 08, 2012 3:21:54 PM 
[Judas Priest / One For The Road] Wednesday, December 28, 2011 12:20:36 AM 

Confucius say he who stand on toilet, high on pot!!

[HOT ROCKIN' METAL GODDESS] Friday, September 30, 2011 2:11:52 PM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by METALMANJP from Friday, September 30, 2011 8:54:17 AM)
[METALMANJP] Friday, September 30, 2011 8:54:17 AM 
What kind of cologne does Halford wear ? .......ENGLISH LEATHER !
[metalgodess] Wednesday, September 07, 2011 5:01:00 PM 
What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the lid of his coffin.
[metalgodess] Wednesday, September 07, 2011 4:58:04 PM 
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
~ This and many other twisted gems can be found on - some very sick and funny stuff.  Not for the easily offended. ~
[winged singer] Wednesday, September 07, 2011 4:34:48 PM 
What's the difference between a wizard's wand and a policeman's baton?

One is good for cunning stunts...........

Edited at: Wednesday, September 07, 2011 4:38:08 PM
[_strat_] Sunday, July 24, 2011 3:03:18 PM 
Religions of the world

Taoism - Shit happens
Hare Krishna - Shit happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism - This shit happened before
Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage
Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism - Confucius say: "Shit happens."
Protestantism - Shit wont happen, if I work harder.
Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it.
Jehowahs Witness- Knock, knock, "shit happens".
Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again...
Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?
Rastafarianism - Lets smoke this shit!

There, and now my own:

Atheism - I cant believe this shit!
[METALMANJP] Wednesday, March 02, 2011 8:41:39 AM 

A female employee goes to the human rescource dept to file a sexual harassment suit. She tells the manager "everyday when I am at the coffee machine this employee comes up and smells the air and say's "God your hair smells good". The manager say's I don't think that constitutes a sexual harassment suit. The female employee replies "Yea but it's Keith the midget !"

[metalgodess] Tuesday, March 01, 2011 4:50:15 PM 

There's a lovely social going on at the nursing home.  Many of the residents are enjoying the dancing and socializing.  One particularly vivacious older gal sees a gentleman in his 80's sitting quietly by himself, and saunters over to him.
"Hiya handsome," she says.  She leans in and whispers, "I can give you Super Sex."
The old guy thinks for a moment, then answers, "I'll take the soup."

[Necroticist] Wednesday, October 20, 2010 8:46:23 AM 
Jokes? yes...Halford 'Made Of Metal' goddamn lame...prolly written whilst bored on the an insult to metal fans worldwide....generic 'give em what they want' CRAP...
[acolyte55] Thursday, August 26, 2010 1:27:55 PM 
a blonde , a priest, a rabbi , and a midget walk into a bar , the bartender looks at them and says " what is this, some kind of [email protected]##*&g joke!!!!
[_strat_] Thursday, August 26, 2010 12:49:47 PM 

[icecreamman] Wednesday, August 18, 2010 6:31:01 PM 
The Final Frontier!

Get it?
[spapad] Monday, March 15, 2010 6:39:12 PM 
Oh my God, poor Dog! lol
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)
[Head banger] Monday, March 15, 2010 5:49:02 PM 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)
[Painkiller87] Monday, March 15, 2010 12:37:00 PM 
LOL! That is what you get when you deal with Tequila!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM)
[spiderpig] Monday, March 15, 2010 11:20:12 AM 
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..

Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
[Budred] Monday, February 22, 2010 4:45:59 PM 
Does anyone know what a "Yankee" is?

Same thing as a "Quickee" only you do it yourself!

Edited at: Monday, February 22, 2010 4:50:02 PM
[jaybone] Friday, February 19, 2010 8:19:35 AM 
[musicgirl] Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:37:36 PM 
Head banger ...that is a funny joke.. I will have to tell that one at work.
[Head banger] Sunday, November 29, 2009 8:16:19 PM 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink   and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene : What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene : Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drug store.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
   she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
[spapad] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:33:45 PM 
Good one Ice! LOL
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by icecreamman from Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM)
[guidogodoy] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:31:35 PM 
HAAAAAAA!!!!!! Made ME laugh!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by icecreamman from Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM)
[icecreamman] Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:28:29 PM 
I have Joke.....

[AngelEyes666] Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:41:30 PM 
[This message has been banned]
[Head banger] Friday, August 28, 2009 9:54:37 AM 


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Friday, August 28, 2009 9:09:17 AM)
[spiderpig] Friday, August 28, 2009 9:09:17 AM 
Here's a couple classics...
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".

The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

Edited at: Friday, August 28, 2009 9:20:36 AM
[Painkiller87] Thursday, August 27, 2009 12:14:54 PM 
LOL Sick but hilarious!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Thursday, August 27, 2009 10:45:01 AM)
[spiderpig] Thursday, August 27, 2009 10:45:01 AM 

Hung Chow calls into work and says,'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says,'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
[Vaillant 3.0] Thursday, August 20, 2009 8:43:08 PM 
Glad you all enjoyed it!!!!
[HOT ROCKIN' METAL GODDESS] Thursday, August 20, 2009 12:39:36 PM 
Thanks Vail!! Peters - Rising...
I needed a good laugh today!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by J.D. DIAMOND from Thursday, August 20, 2009 4:40:25 AM)
[Painkiller87] Thursday, August 20, 2009 12:04:22 PM 
LOL!! Me and the guys here at work are loving it!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Vaillant 3.0 from Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:14:55 PM)
[Becks] Thursday, August 20, 2009 4:46:54 AM 
LMAO love it! Hehehehe Weener-Whipple
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Vaillant 3.0 from Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:14:55 PM)
[J.D. DIAMOND] Thursday, August 20, 2009 4:40:25 AM 
LOL! Those names!!! Cracks me up Vaillant...."Butts-McCracken"......."Wang-Holder".....that is some funny shit there!!! lol!
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Vaillant 3.0 from Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:14:55 PM)
[Vaillant 3.0] Sunday, August 16, 2009 11:14:55 PM 
Found this article on Yahoo. Have fun!

Warning: Can get a little racy, so those with weak constitutions should NOT see this.:
[Coyote Bongwater] Thursday, August 13, 2009 10:52:29 PM 
if you are a dale earnheart senior fan,, warning do NOT keeping reading, last warning if you read on you will be highly pissed and dissapointed so to avoid any drama stop reading now

... what do pink floyd and dale earnheart senior have in common

there biggest hit was the wall

Edited at: Thursday, August 13, 2009 10:53:08 PM
[spiderpig] Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:38:50 PM 
Sorry to the drummers out there but these are funny (well some of 'em are)...

• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?

• What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

• How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

• How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

• What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

• How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in

• What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

• How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart coulda done it.

• How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.

• How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

• Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!

• What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

• What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?

• What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.

• "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

• Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

• How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put a chart in front of him

• Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

• How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

• How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

• Did you hear about the drummer who went to college?
Me neither.

• How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

• What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?

• What's the last thing the band wants to hear the drummer say?
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"

• What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that?"

• Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

• How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

• I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"

• How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

• What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!

• Did you hear about the drummer who got accepted to Yale?
Neither did I.

• Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

• What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.

• What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
A dope ring.

• What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.

• What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

• Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

• What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A tatoo.

• Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.

• What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer?

• What's the difference between a drumset and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a drumset.

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by spiderpig from Saturday, August 01, 2009 11:57:57 AM)
[spiderpig] Saturday, August 01, 2009 11:57:57 AM 
A guy was hitting on a gal in a bar when he noticed her tattoo - a seashell on her upper inner thigh. He asked "Why a seashell?"

She replied... "If you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean."
[jimmyjames] Thursday, July 30, 2009 6:17:31 PM 
There's a new drug which can turn a woman into a man. It's called addadictome.
[FreakyMetalHead] Thursday, July 30, 2009 3:00:06 PM 
Being the metal maniac that I am I tend to listen to a lot of metal music at ridiculously high volume and developed a ringing in my ears. So I go to the doctor to see what could be done about it.
I said Doc......what do I need to about this ringing in my ears? He said nothing! Just don't answer it!  Bwwwahahaaa!!!!  
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