|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Friday, October 24, 2008 1:35:54 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, October 22, 2008 1:10:07 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, October 22, 2008 1:03:29 PM|| |
|[Head banger] Tuesday, October 21, 2008 11:43:51 PM|| |
|[Necroticist] Tuesday, October 21, 2008 4:11:44 PM|| |
|U'll have to explain what sex is...i'm married..|
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Tuesday, October 21, 2008 4:05:22 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Tuesday, October 21, 2008 3:53:44 PM|| |
Geesuz where do I sign up...lol
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Tuesday, October 21, 2008 3:30:16 PM|| |
|[mmmmmm] Monday, October 20, 2008 6:48:05 PM|| |
A woman goes to her doctor for her physical
The nurse asks for her height --"I'm 5 ft 8 inches "
The nurse measures her & finds she's only 5 ft 2 inches
The nurse asks for her weight "I weigh 115 lbs "
The nurse weighs her & finds out she weighs 150 lbs
The nurse then checks her blood pressure & tells the woman that it's very high
"Well of course it's high --when I came in here I was tall & skinny --now I'm short & fat !!"
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Sunday, October 19, 2008 3:40:41 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Saturday, October 18, 2008 4:14:11 PM|| |
|[mmmmmm] Thursday, October 16, 2008 6:56:52 AM|| |
|What's the definition of an impotent loser ??|
He's a guy who can't even get his hopes up
|[mmmmmm] Thursday, October 16, 2008 6:55:53 AM|| |
|There are 4 potatoes in a room --how do you know which one is a prostitute ??|
The one named IDAHO !!
|[hellion1969 [Banned]] Thursday, October 16, 2008 4:55:14 AM|| |
|What do you call a leper in a sleeping bag? A chiko rool!|
|[hellion1969 [Banned]] Saturday, October 11, 2008 2:20:37 AM|| |
|Three guys are coming home after a hard night on the piss and end up in front of a brothel! The first guy looks in his pockets and finds $5! The second guy finds $10 in his pockets and the third guy has $15 In his! |
The first guy goes in and comes back half an hour later with a huge smile on his face! The other 2 ask him "what happened"? "It was amazing" he says, "I met the girl of my dreams, we went for a shower together, she smothered me in baby oil, threw me on the bed, put a pineapple ring on my old fella and gobbled it all up! IT WAS AMAZING"!
Second guy walks in and comes back half an hour later with an even bigger smile on his face! The other 2 ask "what happened"? "It was Incredible" he says, "I met the girl of my dreams, we went for a shower together,she smothered me in baby oil,threw me on the bed, put not one but 2 pineapple rings on my old fella and gobbled it all down! IT WAS INCREDIBLE"!
Third guy goes in and comes back half an hour later all sad and depressed! The other 2 ask "what happened mate"? "I walked in, met the girl of my dreams
(in between uncontrolable sobs), we went for a shower together (more sobbing), she smothered me in baby oil (yet more sobbing), threw me on the bed, put not 1 not 2 but 3 pineapple rings on my old fella, added a dollop of cream and topped it all off with a cherry! The other two look at him with complete confusion in their eyes and ask him, "what was wrong with that"???? "It looked so good I ate it myself", he replied!
|[mgdman] Saturday, October 04, 2008 8:41:45 PM|| |
What do you call a drug ring in the NFL ??
|[mgdman] Saturday, October 04, 2008 8:39:58 PM|| |
|In light of O.J.'s conviction here's one....|
What is O.J.'s screen name online??
BACKSLASH BACKSLASH ESCAPE
|[K2M] Friday, October 03, 2008 6:57:40 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Friday, October 03, 2008 4:40:14 PM|| |
|[buck foston] Thursday, October 02, 2008 12:50:10 PM|| |
|Chin Lin goes into a bank with some yen to turn in for some American money.|
The teller counts it all out and then gives Lin $100.00 dollars. Lin is very happy.
The next day, he goes back to the bank with the same amount of Yen to turn in for some American money.
The teller counts it out and gives Lin $80.00 dollars. Lin is not happy.
'I come here day ago and get hundred dollar now i get eighty dollar you rip me off!!"
The teller looks at Lin, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fluctuations, you know?"
Lin says to the teller, "Fluctuations?? Fluc you white people too!!!!"
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:31:58 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Tuesday, September 30, 2008 7:23:44 AM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, September 17, 2008 6:35:09 PM|| |
| LMAO.. I would qualify for all of the above...|
|[Screamin' Demon] Saturday, September 06, 2008 3:35:33 AM|| |
|The sequel to Fisherman & Goldfish:|
Fisherman is on his boat and to his surprise catches a giant golden whale. The whale, made of all gold, yelps "Set me free, and I will grant you three wishes". The fisherman replies "Oh no....I'm taking you straight down to the jeweller"
|[Head banger] Friday, September 05, 2008 5:43:35 PM|| |
How to win a fight against twenty children
I’m not going to ask why you’re fighting twenty children. That’s your own business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:
1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and damaged several rare cards.
3) They stole your woman.
4) You stole their woman.
5) You’ve had enough of their bullshit.
Whether you’re a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or a dangerous maniac, we here at Cracked want to help. That’s why we’ve consulted with the experts (who did not wish to be named) on how to maximize your odds of winning a fight against twenty children. Follow these guidelines, and your opponents will wish they were never born 6 or 7 years ago.
Use an appropriate technique. Modern mixed martial arts are geared almost exclusively towards one on one combat, and are not designed to take on multiple tiny aggressors. As a grown adult, you could be fairly assured of absolutely destroying a 7 year old if you took him to the floor for a ground and pound. But by doing so you’d expose your back and head to his peers. Your best bet is to stay on your feet and use striking techniques. Karate is one good choice - it was originally designed in the 1600’s for use by unarmed Japanese day care workers.
Be aware of the terrain. By default, you’re going to have a height advantage against twenty children, but be sure you don’t cede it. Avoid fighting around picnic tables, monkey bars, or anything with which a particularly daring child could launch an aerial attack. The ideal situation is fighting children who are trapped in a ditch below you.
Stay mobile. Unless you’re extremely lucky and find yourself fighting twenty infants, you’re going to be at a mobility disadvantage when fighting a large group of children. You must avoid becoming surrounded at all costs. Keep moving, and always trying to position the bulk of children on one side of you. Circle, sidestep, and use tactical retreats to try and engage a single child at a time, where your reach and decades of muscular development should prove an advantage.
Speed. You want this fight to be over fast. Children have boundless amounts of energy, and you’ll tire quickly as the fight progresses. If you schedule your fights with twenty children in advance for some reason, I urge you to focus your pre-training regimen on cardiovascular conditioning and snorting eye-wateringly large amounts of cocaine.
Intimidation. Although I don’t expect you to be intimidated by the prospect of fighting twenty children - given the self-confidence that comes with maturity - remember that intimidation is a two way street. Twenty is a big number, and if that many children lose their fear of you, watch out. Use fierce roars and displays of strength to frighten the children. When taunting, remember that children are almost comically stupid, and won’t understand any of your more creative taunts. You won’t intimidate anyone if you have to explain three times specifically what you did to their mother last night.
Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to behave more like a pack of animals than a cohesive group. By default, pack animals will defer to an alpha leader, and if you manage to subdue that child, the rest of the pack will quickly lose their will to fight. In some cases the leader will be actively giving orders and therefore easy to identify. Other times they’ll be harder to pick out. In those cases, go for the tallest one, or the one with the most Pokemon on their clothing. Once the alpha child is lying in a heap, you’ve got a narrow window of intimidation open while the children regroup. I’d recommend lifting his body over your head and screaming yourself hoarse. That’s the smart veteran move.
Groin attacks. In general the crotch is a small, easily defensible target, and not typically a factor in most fights at a reasonably professional level. That said, when children are attacked by an adult, they’re rarely going to respond professionally. Again, if you have forewarning that you’ll soon be coming to blows with twenty children, absolutely wear a cup. If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest.
Weapons. I’d suggest refraining from using weapons, and not just because of the harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws that are a sad reality in this modern age. By bringing a weapon you might prompt the children to bring weapons as well. This kind of escalation plays against you. Whereas before you could fairly safely absorb several dozen tiny little punches before being incapacitated, you’re now at risk of being dropped with a single lucky strike. If a child with a pair of safety scissors gets at your Achilles tendon (the groin of the ankle) then you’re cooked buddy.
Let the last one walk away. In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues this is now tradition, but even during raw, underground twenty child street-fights it serves an important purpose. By letting that child spread word of your great strength and not-to-be-fucked-withedness amongst the other children of the area, you can ensure that it will be a long time indeed before someone else mewls at you that you’re hogging the swings.
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Friday, September 05, 2008 5:22:45 PM|| |
|LOL @ HB & Foote...... |
Just a funny thought from me....
|[Head banger] Monday, September 01, 2008 10:42:49 PM|| |
|well, larger animals get pushed to the side by the bumper. smaller ones, dunno. I will go run some stuff over to see how it goes,. not!!|
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Matt Foote from Monday, September 01, 2008 8:00:15 PM)
|[Matt Foote] Monday, September 01, 2008 8:00:15 PM|| |
|Why is it that road kill is in one of two places, either in the middle of the road, or on the side of the road?|
Has anyone other than me pondered that question?
Tempt not the blade.....
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by MEDALGODDESS from Tuesday, June 03, 2008 9:44:50 PM)
|[mgdman] Tuesday, August 26, 2008 4:50:16 AM|| |
|[crypticangle] Friday, August 15, 2008 6:48:30 AM|| |
|The Blind Sales Associate|
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod & reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which to buy so she goes over to the counter.
A store's associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses.
"Excuse me " she says "Can you tell me anything about this rod ?"
He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell everything about it by the sound it makes ."
She doesn't believe him but drops it anyway.
He says "That's a 6 foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel & 10 lb test line all on sale for $ 20 this week.
She says "it's amazing what you can do & proceeds to get her credit card out & drops it on the floor to which he replies "That's a mastercard "
She bends down to pick it up & accidentally farts. At first she is embarrasssed but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he couldn't know that she was the only person around.
The clerk rings up her bill "That'll be $ 34 .50 please "
The women is confused & says "But you told me it was on sale for $ 20"
He replies " Yes Ma'am The rod & reel are on sale but the duck call is $ 11 & the Catfish bait is $ 3.50"
|[Metallark] Monday, August 04, 2008 9:26:11 PM|| |
Great short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom,' he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
|[Little Indian Angel] Sunday, August 03, 2008 9:26:44 PM|| |
|[spapad] Sunday, August 03, 2008 8:55:20 PM|| |
|[mgdman] Sunday, August 03, 2008 8:43:23 PM|| |
|A man walks into a bar and reads a sign that says,|
CHEESE SANDWICH $2.00
HAND JOB $10.00
So he asks the barmaid "Are you the one that gives the Hand Jobs?"
She replies, "Well Yes I Am!"
He says," Well, wash those hands and make me that Cheese Snadwich !!"
|[spapad] Sunday, August 03, 2008 11:05:24 AM|| |
|Oh, God that is so funny! Why did I miss last night! I'm kicking my own ass!|
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Bazooka Joe from Saturday, April 12, 2008 9:25:05 PM)
|[spapad] Sunday, August 03, 2008 10:52:53 AM|| |
|LMAO! MG! WOW, I missed it last night! I see that! Looks like you guys had a great time!And yes Soy that includes you!|
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by MEDALGODDESS from Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:28:47 PM)
|[Dime/UNDER BLOOD RED SKIES!!!!] Sunday, August 03, 2008 10:32:38 AM|| |
|Was in to see the doctor|
"give it to me straight doc" I said
" well im afraid your going to have to stop masterbating"
"what ? why doctor?"
"Well for one, I'm trying to examine you"
Edited at: Sunday, August 03, 2008 10:33:13 AM
|[Head banger] Friday, July 25, 2008 2:22:27 PM|| |
|[Metallark] Friday, July 25, 2008 1:34:56 PM|| |
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said,
'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
|[Metallark] Saturday, July 19, 2008 7:31:14 AM|| |
Why the Wife Mows the Yard
On Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!'
He took a drink from his can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
'I am.. That's why she cuts the grass.
|[Soylentgreen4u] Friday, July 18, 2008 11:13:39 PM|| |
|[Metallark] Friday, July 18, 2008 11:07:05 PM|| |
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
|[Aikman (Matt Frost)] Thursday, July 17, 2008 11:39:38 PM|| |
|Bev!! That was hilearous!!!!|
|[Bev] Friday, July 04, 2008 1:02:06 PM|| |
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'
He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
|[Soylentgreen4u] Monday, June 16, 2008 8:45:25 PM|| |
|IT'S VERRRRRY TRUE!!!!!!..SO YOU BETTER START BEING NICE TO ME OR NO K.K. FOR YOU..HE DOESN'T LIKE FANS WHO ARE MEAN TO HIS FRIENDS. .......|
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by MEDALGODDESS from Monday, June 16, 2008 8:33:27 PM)
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Monday, June 16, 2008 8:33:27 PM|| |
|Now how true is this??????|
|[Little Indian Angel] Thursday, June 12, 2008 9:13:33 PM|| |
|HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhh god everyone of those pictures made me laugh!!! Ahhh man! so funny good ones Metalgoddess|
Edited at: Thursday, June 12, 2008 9:15:04 PM
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:29:56 PM|| |
|LMAO>> I just saved this to My brothers screen saver on his puter,, for a little surprise when he comes home and turns his puter on tonight... LOL|
[Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by MEDALGODDESS from Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:28:47 PM)
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:28:47 PM|| |
|[~ MG_Metalgoddess~] Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:15:09 PM|| |
|boy george bush........lol|
By the time he gets back from his middle east trip he should look like this..................lol