A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Here's a couple classics...
--------------------------------------
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
--------------------------------------A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
Hung Chow calls into work and says,'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says,'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
A 1990 lawsuit accused the band of inserting subliminal messages into their songs, and driving two disturbed young men to suicide. Bollocks, was Halford’s retort. Urging fans to kill themselves is counterproductive. Better to secretly urge them, he said, to “buy more of our records."
On Sunday, Aug. 23, at 6:30 p.m. ’Priest hits Meadowbrook U.S. Cellular Pavilion in Gilford for the final night of their American tour (though without Whitesnake, who exited when lead singer David Coverdale’s voice blew out last week). The show will feature a complete performance of the band’s most successful album, British Steel, released in 1980. Bass player and founding member Ian Hill spoke on Aug. 13 about the tour.
Any favorite moments on the tour?
We’ve done so many places; the main thing is the show, which we always enjoy. Days off are few and far between.
You’re ending in Gilford.
Beautiful part of the country, New Hampshire. It’s our first time playing in Gilford. We’re looking forward to somewhere with a bit of scenery. Last time around, we went to Lake Champlain in Vermont. We rented speedboats and motored from one end of the lake to the other, peered through people’s back windows.
How has the response been to the nightly performances of British Steel?
Fans know what to expect, which is great. Though really, it’s something we’ve never done. Someone pointed out it was the 30-year anniversary; when you play the songs every night, you tend to forget which album it came from. British Steel was the first one we had a U.S. tour with where we were the headliner.
When did you first come to America?
In 1977. In 1980 we opened for REO Speedwagon. Then we were special guests with Foghat and Journey. We began British Steel as special guests with KISS — damn good start that — and then went on our own. We must have done something right.
How did you start the band?
We were both about 17 when we started playing together in 1969. Kenneth [guitarist “K.K.” Downing] and I weren’t really close friends until we realized our common interest in music. We formed what was really a school band, with a chum called John Ellis. Judas Priest was another band. Their lead vocalist, Alan Atkins, came round and asked to sing. Family commitments caused him to leave, but we kept the name.
What were your influences?
Honestly, I listened to white boy blues — Eric Clapton, John Mayall. But my big influence was Jack Bruce, and Cream. I thought their live recordings were stand up. I still listen to Wheels of Fire today.
You moved away from finger picking your bass in recent years. Why?
Clarity, really — it’s a cleaner, sharper sound. When you have a couple of distorted guitars, you need that clean sound to put it through.
How has the second time around with Rob Halford been?
All was well when Rob came back. Everything clicked into place like an old jigsaw puzzle. We did some good material with Tim [“Ripper” Owens, who replaced Halford from 1996 to 2003]. He’s a great vocalist, great bloke. But being a fan of the band, he could see the sense of it. In every interview, we were asked if Rob was coming back.
[spiderpig] Wednesday, August 19, 2009 10:57:28 AM
Sunday 8/23 Schedule:
Parking Opens @ 4
Doors Open @ 5
5:00 PM Boyz Gone Wild
6:30 PM Bottoms Up
7:10 PM Sweet Cheater
8:30 PM Pop Evil
9:30 PM Judas Priest
*NO FLASH - Non-Professional photography / no zoom lenses larger than 2 inches.
I just checked and GREAT SEATS ARE AVAILABLE for the Meadowbrook show on Sunday (Section B center: 17 rows back -or- Sections A & C: 9 or 6 rows back) $59 for pavilion or just $35 for lawn. If you buy from Meadowbrook please use Prize Code RLOV for a chance to win a Meet & Greet PLUS you can use the Discount Code PRO524 to save $10 off each pair of tickets purchased. Edited at: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 10:57:59 AM
Do you guys have anything special planned for the final night of the tour (Sunday August 23rd at Meadowbrook in Gilford, NH)? May I suggest - PLAY ALL NIGHT & BLOW STUFF UP!!!
Have you guys ever played in New Hampshire before? Try to take in some of the scenery while in the lakes region of the "Granite State".
Sunday 8/23 Schedule:
Parking Opens @ 4
Doors Open @ 5
5:00 PM Boyz Gone Wild
6:30 PM Bottoms Up
7:10 PM Sweet Cheater
8:30 PM Pop Evil
9:30 PM Judas Priest
*NO FLASH - Non-Professional photography / no zoom lenses larger than 2 inches.
I just checked and GREAT SEATS ARE AVAILABLE for the Meadowbrook show on Sunday (Section B center: 17 rows back -or- Sections A & C: 9 or 6 rows back) $59 for pavilion or just $35 for lawn. If you buy from Meadowbrook please use Prize Code RLOV for a chance to win a Meet & Greet PLUS you can use the Discount Code PRO524 to save $10 off each pair of tickets purchased. Edited at: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 12:18:54 PM
I was hoping to see Whitesnake (at the final stop on this tour in NH). When I heard Whitesnake cancelled I too was hoping that would mean a longer Priest set however, as suspected, Meadowbrook has added another (local) band to the bill. Here's the schedule:
5:00 PM Boyz Gone Wild (on second stage)
6:30 PM Bottoms Up
7:10 PM Sweet Cheater
8:30 PM Pop Evil
9:30 PM Judas Priest
Coverdale apology (see related videos for other clips from that night): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoBKdGAbJ4g Edited at: Friday, August 14, 2009 12:32:46 PM
I work for a venue in NH - Meadowbrook in Gilford - the final stop on the current tour (tickets are still available). I asked about a replacement but I got the impression they don't care - they'd rather just pocket the cash they would have paid Whitesnake. I think if they get some band to fill in, it'll just be some local band - great opportunity for a local band to open for Priest but I'd much rather see an extended Priest set!
[spiderpig] Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:38:50 PM
Sorry to the drummers out there but these are funny (well some of 'em are)...
• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
• What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
• How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.
• How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
• What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
• How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in
• What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
• How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
Neil Peart coulda done it.
• How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they have a machine to do that now.
• How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
• Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
• What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
• What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
Farfromthinken.
• What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
• "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
• Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
• How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put a chart in front of him
• Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.
• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
• How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
• How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
• Did you hear about the drummer who went to college?
Me neither.
• How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
• What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
• What's the last thing the band wants to hear the drummer say?
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"
• What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that?"
• Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
• How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
• I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"
• How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.
• What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!
• Did you hear about the drummer who got accepted to Yale?
Neither did I.
• Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
• What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.
• What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
A dope ring.
• What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.
• What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
• Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.
• What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A tatoo.
• Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.
• What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer?
Nothing.
• What's the difference between a drumset and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a drumset.
[spiderpig] Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:17:21 PM
Please forward the following message...
The 2009 Summer Concert Season at the Meadowbrook U.S. Cellular Pavilion is about half over but there are still some great shows left. Keep reading for some exciting news on how you could find yourself backstage:
WIN A MEET & GREET WITH YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST THIS SUMMER!*
Here’s how: Simply use the code “RLOV” when you purchase tickets to any show at Meadowbrook and you’ll automatically be entered to win. If selected as a winner, Meadowbrook will contact you to ask “Who would you like to meet?”! Here’s the fine print: *subject to artist approval - not valid on previous purchases.
Plus, use this code and save $3 per ticket: tanger
This is the first time that Meadowbrook has made an exciting offer of this kind. Take advantage and you just may find yourself at an exclusive backstage meet & greet.
The 2009 Summer Concert Series at Meadowbrook is shaping up to be a great one with such artist as Tim McGraw, 3 Doors Down, The Steve Miller Band, The Doobie Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Sugarland, The Moody Blues, The Allman Brothers, Judas Preist, Whitesnake, Big & Rich and Alan Jackson.
The Meadowbrook U.S. Cellular Pavilion on the shores of beautiful Lake Winnipesaukee in Gilford has already proven itself to be the premiere venue to see live entertainment in New England. Meadowbrook features a variety of seating options - including reserved seats under the covered pavilion, club seating with cocktail service as well as general admission "lawn" seating. Meadowbrook also offers a unique concert-going experience with its "Center Stage Buffet" package, where you will be treated to a night of exquisite buffet dining, a full-service bar, a big outdoor deck with a great view of the stage and indoor, air-conditioned comfort. Arrive early and enjoy the buffet plus the ambience of their banquet center before, during and after the concert.
GOOD LUCK! Have a great summer - hope to see you at Meadowbrook!
PS: Please feel free to share this offer! Forward this email along or post the code “RLOV” in your bliggety-blogs and your facey-spacies and your tweety pages. [Show/Hide Quoted Message](Quoting Message by spiderpig from Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:15:32 PM)
spiderpig wrote:
I’m trying to reach as many people as possible that may be interested in seeing concerts in NH. I work for a venue (Meadowbrook in Gilford) and was given a code to promote the shows. Each time someone uses my code, I get $3 (and the user is entered to win a Meet & Greet). I’ve been putting flyers in stores but that’s very time consuming (and burns gas). Here’s how you can help: shoot me an email [email protected] with “count me in” in the subject and I’ll send the offer your way. Forward it to as many people as you can. Try to think - not just people in New England that may attend a concert but people that have a lot of contacts in their mailboxes (large employers like hospitals, schools and stuff). Folks travel from all over New England and beyond for the chance to see their favorite artists in concert. Please help spread the word and you’ll be helping me increase my bonus pay.
Thanks - Rob (aka spiderpig)
PS: or just copy and paste the following post and send it along. Edited at: Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:15:54 PM
[spiderpig] Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:15:32 PM
I’m trying to reach as many people as possible that may be interested in seeing concerts in NH. I work for a venue (Meadowbrook in Gilford) and was given a code to promote the shows. Each time someone uses my code, I get $3 (and the user is entered to win a Meet & Greet). I’ve been putting flyers in stores but that’s very time consuming (and burns gas). Here’s how you can help: shoot me an email [email protected] with “count me in” in the subject and I’ll send the offer your way. Forward it to as many people as you can. Try to think - not just people in New England that may attend a concert but people that have a lot of contacts in their mailboxes (large employers like hospitals, schools and stuff). Folks travel from all over New England and beyond for the chance to see their favorite artists in concert. Please help spread the word and you’ll be helping me increase my bonus pay.
Thanks - Rob (aka spiderpig)
PS: or just copy and paste the following post and send it along. Edited at: Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:15:54 PM
inside scoop: use the code RLOV when you purchase tickets to Judas Priest (or any show at Meadowbrook) and youll automatically be entered to win a meet & greet! GOOD LUCK!
Newbie here (first post)...
My name is Rob, I work for Meadowbrook in Gilford, NH and I'm counting down the days until Judas Preist comes to town! Can't wait to hear Brittish Steel performed live! It's gonna be great!
PS: here's some inside info that could get you backstage...use the code “RLOV” when you purchase tickets to Judas Priest (or any show at Meadowbrook) and you’ll automatically be entered to win a meet & greet. Good Luck!
Edited at: Saturday, September 19, 2009 11:58:45 AM Edited at: Saturday, September 19, 2009 12:02:11 PM
