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Laughter is good for everything
 This Topic was created by [velvet_liselle                                                                                      ] Messages per page: 20 [50] 100 
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jokes for those with few respect points


[hellrider 31038] Monday, September 26, 2011 6:53:47 PM 


  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Brian_Evans from Monday, September 26, 2011 6:46:10 PM)
[Brian_Evans] Monday, September 26, 2011 6:46:10 PM 
Yeah Eastwood is off the hook!!  

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by hellrider 31038 from Friday, September 23, 2011 10:35:57 PM)
[hellrider 31038] Friday, September 23, 2011 10:35:57 PM 

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by Brian_Evans from Friday, September 23, 2011 10:16:35 PM)
[Brian_Evans] Friday, September 23, 2011 10:16:35 PM 
[guidogodoy] Monday, September 19, 2011 6:55:14 PM 
Oh lord! That was just miserable! The bass player just seems to be playing random notes! LOL!!! I waited until the big solo and that had me hooked to see the entire thing but hell if I can stand to watch that band massacre Clapton! HAAAA!!!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by J.D. DIAMOND from Monday, September 19, 2011 3:32:31 AM)
[Brian_Evans] Monday, September 19, 2011 10:59:14 AM 
 Is that you on guitar in the red and white baseball cap?? 
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by J.D. DIAMOND from Monday, September 19, 2011 3:32:31 AM)
[J.D. DIAMOND] Monday, September 19, 2011 4:30:58 AM 
The same shitty band trying to play cocaine HAHA!
[J.D. DIAMOND] Monday, September 19, 2011 3:32:31 AM 

My god listen to this atrocity cover of Pink Floyd this co called band does outside a music store I guess...what an embarrassment to the fullest haha!

And whats even more of an embarrassment is the attempt at the guitar solo at the 2:06 mark haha and these guys are probably the same kind of geeks that go to the local loser hole in the wall bar and brag about the "concert" they did hahahahaha!!

Edited at: Monday, September 19, 2011 3:40:59 AM
[\~AuntieB~/] Saturday, September 03, 2011 7:20:09 AM 
Still here, eh?!  Besides having us all 'ignore' or BAN this mighty mouse, I wonder if there's a way to make him believe everyone can see his posts when really we cannot.  You know.  So he thinks he's having an impact on someone's life.  But he's really not. HM ... perhaps some techincal wizardry is in order.  Then, that could be the designated dimension for all the non-JP fan trolls that frequent the board for the sole purpose of well intimidation, degredation, stupidity.  Or is that why we're all here?  Maybe I've lost all perspective 

Edited at: Saturday, September 03, 2011 7:21:20 AM
[guidogodoy] Wednesday, August 24, 2011 4:35:42 PM 
Norman, you are such an idiot that I can't believe your brain even has the power to keep your heart pumping. Give it up already.

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by electriceye69 from Wednesday, August 24, 2011 12:56:12 PM)
[electriceye69] Wednesday, August 24, 2011 12:56:12 PM 
Looks like a Earthquake started in Rocky GaPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! With A BBBBangggggg!!!  Trailer full of studs overloaded!
[Brian_Evans] Saturday, August 20, 2011 11:57:05 PM 

 The lady singing and drummer in this vid are crack-ups. lol

Edited at: Sunday, August 21, 2011 12:00:30 AM
[Budred] Friday, August 19, 2011 7:12:40 AM 
Damn J.D..
I hate glam also but the two bands you mentioned I actually like.
Ratt more so than Crue.
My wife has the biggest crush on Stephen Pearcy.
We got to meet him but I think he was more interested in getting to the bus
to get a shot if you know what I mean. Probably how Robin Crosby got aids.
(that's only a guess) Even liking these bands I agree with you. I was so glad
to see that whole scene go away and no, they couldn't touch Priest or any
number of (real) metal bands. (Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer, etc.etc. etc.)
[J.D. DIAMOND] Thursday, August 18, 2011 5:12:54 PM 
Yeah I hear ya heimda11 its a joke. They were having fun and games back in the 80's and now want to be associated next to bands like Priest Maiden Saxon and Sabbath ect...its just so funny lol.

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by heimda11 from Thursday, August 18, 2011 4:10:02 PM)
[catwood] Thursday, August 18, 2011 4:13:56 PM 
long live heavy metal. long live JUDAS PRIEST.
[heimda11] Thursday, August 18, 2011 4:10:02 PM 
J.D. Diamond, I second that!  Glam hair rock can be fun and the pop dance crowd enjoy it along with their disco BUT (hahahahaha) it ain't even in the same ballgame as the transcendant, universal IN YOUR FACE (YEAH HELLRIDER) metal we love.  During the '80's I pissed many rockers off by saying glam couldn't hang with Priest and Sabbath when it came to music OR hell raising.  Since I was raising kids and relegated to radio during the '90's, was quite thrilled to hear the legit edge of west coast grunge hit pop culture with a needed vengeance.
[catwood] Thursday, August 18, 2011 4:04:00 PM 
well then give me something to laughter about.
[J.D. DIAMOND] Wednesday, August 17, 2011 5:12:10 PM 
Something making me laugh is these bands like Motley Crue and Ratt who say in interviews how they were right alongside Priest,Maiden,Saxon,Sabbath,Dio with "heavy metal" in the 80's? lol!  Bullshit,they were "bitch bands"  and were all about getting laid and how many girls they could get ect...they never cranked out tunes like Holy Diver or Freewheel Burning,even Shout At tHe Devil is glam for 16 year old girls,yet they want a piece of the heavy metal movement in the 80's,what a joke.
[winged singer] Tuesday, August 09, 2011 6:47:32 AM 
What does a frog order at Macdonalds?

French flies and a diet croak.
[Brian_Evans] Sunday, August 07, 2011 10:14:34 PM 
 My wife wanted something that would go from zero to two hundred in less than two seconds. Got her a bathroom scale
[guidogodoy] Friday, July 29, 2011 4:33:08 PM 
I LOVE how they deal with trolls over at the Q. When looking for the comment that Nupe posted, I caught the Machine Man post (under Priest).
Ho ho! THAT made me laugh out loud. Wish we would come together more like that to throw out the dimwits here. Seems the trolls that can't handle them jump to us! Still, funny shit!
[heimda11] Wednesday, July 27, 2011 4:18:27 PM 

I love cats.  They are such a trip.

[Jocase] Monday, July 25, 2011 11:39:57 AM 
Recently, my sister mentioned that women are told they should not go topless, because they have boobs. Then she said, "We don't have ding-a-lings, why can't we go bottomless?"
Edited at: Monday, July 25, 2011 11:42:56 AM
[spapad] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 6:45:13 PM 
Too cute!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Tuesday, June 21, 2011 4:17:10 AM)
[metalgodess] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 7:36:25 AM 

OMG - these are hysterical...for sure this guy really has a cat or cats - he has their traits and personalities down pat!  That part where his bum is up in the air and wiggling before an attack is SO true!!!!!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 4:17:10 AM 
New Simon's cat:
[velvet_liselle] Sunday, June 05, 2011 4:09:52 PM 
Simon's cat rules - there are more vids there on youtube. All of them are hilarious... so typically feline...  the guy who makes them must have cats to know these behaviours so well...
[HOT ROCKIN' METAL GODDESS] Saturday, June 04, 2011 8:13:10 PM 
That is just too funny! I loved the crash sound at the end!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[spapad] Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:55:12 PM 
THAT was so funny! Loved it! LOL I could see my Lucy, (canine) being much like that. LOL

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM 
This is hilarious, I find it so real...
[velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 26, 2011 6:02:29 AM 

A sudden and violent hurricane sank a ship. One of the passangers woke up on a beach alone, without food, drink or any tools, but with a lot of tropical fruit hanging around. As he was used to staying at 5 star hotels he just didn't know what to do, so for the next few months he ate bananas and drank coconut milk thinking about the life he had had. He would often go to the beach and stare at the ocean waiting to spot a ship passing. One day he saw a boat, and sitting in it the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Guy: What are you doing here? 
Woman: I live on the other side of the island. I got there when my ship sank.
G: That's wonderful. I didn't know anybady else survived. How many of you are there? How lucky that you got the boat from the ship!
W: There's nobody but me. And the boat is not from the ship.
G:So where is it from?
W: I made it off materials available here on the island.
G: It's impossible, How did you do it? You didn't have tools!
W: It was easy. On my side of the island there's an untypical rock, I discovered I can melt out iron out of it. And I made tools out of that iron.  Ok, and what about you. Where do you live?
G:(ashamed).  Still on the beach.
W: Ok, let's go to my place then.

After a few minutes of rowing the girl moored the boat, the guy looked around and opened his eyes wide. In front of him there was a stone path leading to a smart house painted white and blue. When they were walking towards it, the girl said : "it may not be much, but I call it home".

W: Sit down, want a drink? 
G: Thanks, I have enough of coconut milk. 
W: It's not coconut milk. What about some Pinacolada?

The guy took the drink and started sipping. The sat down on the sofa and told the girl his story, and listened to hers. After a while, the girl left him to change into something more comfortable, leaving him she asked if he wanted to take a shower and shave. She told him there was a razor in the bathroom upstairs. The guy was surprised but said nothing, he went up, took a shower and shaved. When he got down he found the girl dressed in strategically placed leaves smelling something wonderful.

W:  You have been here for such a long time? Haven't you ever felt lonely? I'm sure there's something you have been longing to do all these months....

 For a while she was looking into his eyes. The guy could believe his ears, finally he asked:
G:Don't tell me that I can check my emails from here?!

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 7:21:38 PM 

Taoism: Shit Happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before.
Islam: If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage.
Zen: What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening?
Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
Confucianism: Confucius Say, "Shit Happens."
7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens On Saturdays.
Protestanism: Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder.
Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens."
Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Us?
Atheism: There is no shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit.

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 8:41:01 AM 
A wolf is watching a German porno movie with his eyes wide open.
- Holy shit, I could have done so many things with her but I just ate her!

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 8:37:21 AM 

- Could I screw you, Kate?
- I'm not Kate.
- But  I didn't ask about it...

[velvet_liselle] Sunday, May 22, 2011 3:57:35 PM 
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you
watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday
Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare.

[velvet_liselle] Saturday, May 21, 2011 3:35:13 AM 
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
[Head banger] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:59:47 PM 
I had that same list of questions about canada

good shit
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Friday, May 20, 2011 7:07:07 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 7:07:07 PM 
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

>> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
>> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
>> them die.

>> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
>> A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

>> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
>> tracks?(Sweden)
>> A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

>> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>> A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

>> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
>> A: What did your last slave die of?

>> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
>> (USA)
>> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
>> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
>> not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
>> Kings Cross. Come naked.

>> Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>> A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
>> we’ll send the rest of the directions.

>> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

>> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
>> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
>> is...oh forget it.Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
>> in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

>> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (! UK)
>> A: You are a British politician, right?

>> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
>> round? (Germany)
>> A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
>> illegal.

>> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
>> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
>> Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
>> good pets.

>> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
>> its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>> A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
>> of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 6:53:54 PM 
Subject: intellectual question
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number (2)
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[metalgodess] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:40:42 AM 


[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:27:55 AM 
Your New PC (Pussy Cat)

Standard Input: Bilateral frontal whisker array
Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz)
Stereoscopic scanning device w/night vision
Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
Odor sampling devices (2)

Standard Output:
Internally mounted purrbox
Single speaker with separate growl mode
Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device

Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and
Autonomic control of system software

Included Hardware:
Calcium-based skeletal structure
Byte-to-bit conversion array
Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch
Pawpad printer
Mouse (Standard Catnip)

Also included:
natural-fiber protective covering in various colors

System software:
your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:
DOS (DOmestic Shorthair)
OS (Other Shorthair)
DLH (DOmestic Longhair)
MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
Conversion to Eunuchs (UNIX) can be done by a simple operation.
This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC

Bundled software:
May include the following:
Mortal Kombat
Stuffit Expander
Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as
needed. There are no user-servicable parts inside.

Operating your PC:
To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can
Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC
will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or
you may invoke
Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake
your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start,
shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see

To perform a warm boot:
Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a cold boot:
Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on.

To reboot: Repeat the warm boot.

Cleaning your PC:
Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only.
Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is
necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure
your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatability and networking:
Your PC is designed to independently assess compatability with
other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater
compatability with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a
firewall between incompatable PCs as each may attempt to
breach the other's security systems. Compatable PCs may
share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for
gaming purposes.
Please note that your PC will be incompatable with units of type
BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as
a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG
units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the
heirarchical structure.

Power requirements:
Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food
Direct supply of water
Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources

Perform a warm boot.
Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise,
perform a warm boot.
PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it

[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 9:29:48 AM 

I hope I won't make too many mistakes in the vocabulary in the joke, I'm not into golf...
 Rules of the bedroom golfing

 A player has to have his own equipment - a club and two balls.
 A game commences after receiving permission from the owner of the hole.
The aim of the game is to put the club into the hole, leaving the balls outside. The proper club has to be stiff, the owner of the hole has the right to verify it. The owner of the course has to right to limit the lenght of the club to prevent damanging  the hole.
The player is to introduce the club into the hole as many times as possible until the owner of the course is satisfied. Leaving the owner of the course dissastisfied may result in not getting permission for future game. It's considered against the rules to start playing immediately after arriving at the course. Experienced players devote a lot of time for admiring it.  A lot of attention should be paid to the magnificent undulating landscape. 
Players shouldn't describe other courses they play or played at to the owner of the course they play at a given moment. The owner can get pissed of and damage the equipment of the player.
Every player should know that the course is not always available for playing at.  Some of them may feel unhappy to find out the course is temporarily unplayable,  advanced bedroom golfers usually pllay an alternative game on the nineth back hole. However, a permission from the owner of the course is required if such is the case.
Rules of the game recommend playing slowly, however the player  should be ready  to speed up if such is the wish of the owner of the course.

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did 

[velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 3:57:50 PM 

Women's revenge for all jokes about blondes

1.. Penis resembles a dog
- hangs around between the legs
-  likes petting
 - when the master is happy so is he
2.. Why do men like marrying virgins? 
- To avoid criticism.
3.. How can you tell a man is excited?
-  He's breathing
4. What would a world without men look like? 
- It would be full of fat and happy women.
5.. What do you call a man that had 90% of the brain cut off?
-   A eunuch. .
6.. Why does a penis have a hole at the end? 
- For the oxygen to reach the brain..
7.. How does a man prepare a bubble bath?
-He eat a lot of beans before taking it.
8.. What does a 7-course meal mean for a man?
- A hot dog and a six-pack of beer
9..  What does a man who tells you to stop hoovering and to relax really mean?
-  Most probably he can't hear the TV over the noise of the hoover
10.. What's a difference between a man and a computer?
- It's enough to give ONE command to the computer.
 11..  What do a man in bed and a microwaved food have in common  
- 30 seconds and it's ready 
12.. What's a difference between a bub and a clitoris?
-  Most men know how to find a pub.
13.. How to make a man happy in bedroom?
-  Move the tv there

[velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 1:35:50 PM 
Two blondes are watching a porno movie. When it finishes one asks anohter"
- Why are you crying?
- I thought they would get married.
A bench in a park, a woman's voice: Johny, take off your glasses, you'll rip my tights.  After awhile the same voice: Johny, put the glasses back on, now you're licking the bench!
A bunny enters a pharmacy:
- 200 condoms, please
The assistant hands over the condoms and says:
- Sorry, I'm afraid we only have 199
The bunny frowns, looks reproachfully at the assistant:
-ok, I'll take them, but you fucked up my entire night.

[velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 19, 2011 3:34:51 AM 

On Christmas Eve morning a wife woke up her husband at 9am.
- Steve, wake up, Steve, there's no butter at home. Get up and go to the supermarket.
- But I don't know where to find butter in the supermarket.
- You'll enter, there are frigdes opposite the cash tills, that's where you'll find butter. Go.
So he got up and got dressed and went shopping. He did exactly as his wife told him to do, found the butter and proceeded to pay. But there in the queue to the cash till was standing a gorgeous lassie. Steve started to chat to her and tell her jokes and she suddenly suggested going to her place. They did and had sex. After a lusty afternoon Steve wakes up and sees it's already 8pm. He jumps out of her bed and asks the lassie:
- Do you have flour?
- Yes, I do.
- Can you bring some and sprinkle it on my hands?
She does and Steve goes home.
At home his wife opens the door for him, pissed off, and requires the explanation. Steve says:
- Honey, it was like that. I went to to supermarket. I took butter outof that frigde and went to pay for it. But there in the queue there was a gorgeous lassie and we started chatting and then she invited me to her place to have sex. I spent all afternoon with her.
The wife listens calmly and then says with impatience in her voice:
- Show me your hands.
Steves shows his flour covered hands:
- Bullshit, Steve, you went bowling again!

[velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 1:09:32 PM 
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, 'I'm off. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in. 'I've been expecting you.'
'Really?' the photographer asked. 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'
'That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'
'Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'I hope we can get this over with quickly,' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!!' exclaimed Mrs. Smith.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'
'Oh, my God!' said Mrs. Smith, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer said. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?'
'That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'
'Tripod??' Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.'
'Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted...'
[velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 1:03:25 PM 
Morning. A very hungover student is standing in front of a mirror and looking at the reflection. Finaly he says:
- I don't know you... I will shave you anyway.

[thekissofjudas] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:52:59 PM 
lol lol lol

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:49:13 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:49:13 PM 
There was a guy who had a 50cm dick. As he thought that no woman would want him so big he decided to take care of the problem. So he want to a witch and she told him to go to the forest. There in the middle of the forest he was supposed to find a big rock and a frog sitting on it. He was to ask it a question that the frog would answer with a no, then his dick would get 10cm shorter. so he went there and askee the frog
-  Froggie, will you kiss me?
The froggie replies
- No!
10 cm shorter, the guy almost decides to come back home but then he thins 40 cm is still too much.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- !No!
So now having a 30cm dick the guy thinks that 20 cm would be just fine.
- Froggie, will you kiss me?
- No, no and once again no!
[velvet_liselle] Wednesday, May 18, 2011 12:03:10 PM 
Two nuns, sister Mathematica and sister Logic are strolling in a park close to the convent. It's late and it's getting dark. 
SM: Have you noticed that man who's been following us. Who knows what he wants...
SL:  It's logical, he wants to rape us.
SM:  Oh my God, he's getting closer, he'll be on us in 5:18. What shall we do?
SL: The only logical solution is to walk faster.
SM: Oh my God, it didn't help.
SL:  Of course, he started to walk faster either.
SM:  Oh my God, he'll be on us in 1:44
SL: Ok, the only logical solution now is to spit up. You go right, I'll go left. He can't follow both of us.
The man decides to follow the sister Logica
 The sister Mathematica reaches the safety of the convent, but she's very concerned about the other one,who returns several minutes latere.
SM:  Finally, sister. My God, tell me what has happened.
SL:  Logically he could have followed only one of us and he chose me.
SM: (a bit pissed off) Yes, I know, and what happened later?
SL: I was runnung faster and so was he.
SM: And then?
SL: Logically, he finally caught me.
SM:  Oh my God, so what did you do.
SL:  The only logical thing - I raised my frock up.
M:  Oh my God, and what did he do?
SL:! Logically - he slid down his trousers.
SM: Oh Jesus Christ! What has happened?
SL:  It's logical, a nun with her frock raised up can run faster than a man with his trousers round his ankles. 

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