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Laughter is good for everything
 This Topic was created by [velvet_liselle                                                                                      ] Messages per page: [20] 50 100 
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jokes for those with few respect points


[guidogodoy] Friday, July 29, 2011 4:33:08 PM 
I LOVE how they deal with trolls over at the Q. When looking for the comment that Nupe posted, I caught the Machine Man post (under Priest).
Ho ho! THAT made me laugh out loud. Wish we would come together more like that to throw out the dimwits here. Seems the trolls that can't handle them jump to us! Still, funny shit!
[heimda11] Wednesday, July 27, 2011 4:18:27 PM 

I love cats.  They are such a trip.

[Jocase] Monday, July 25, 2011 11:39:57 AM 
Recently, my sister mentioned that women are told they should not go topless, because they have boobs. Then she said, "We don't have ding-a-lings, why can't we go bottomless?"
Edited at: Monday, July 25, 2011 11:42:56 AM
[spapad] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 6:45:13 PM 
Too cute!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Tuesday, June 21, 2011 4:17:10 AM)
[metalgodess] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 7:36:25 AM 

OMG - these are hysterical...for sure this guy really has a cat or cats - he has their traits and personalities down pat!  That part where his bum is up in the air and wiggling before an attack is SO true!!!!!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Tuesday, June 21, 2011 4:17:10 AM 
New Simon's cat:
[velvet_liselle] Sunday, June 05, 2011 4:09:52 PM 
Simon's cat rules - there are more vids there on youtube. All of them are hilarious... so typically feline...  the guy who makes them must have cats to know these behaviours so well...
[HOT ROCKIN' METAL GODDESS] Saturday, June 04, 2011 8:13:10 PM 
That is just too funny! I loved the crash sound at the end!

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[spapad] Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:55:12 PM 
THAT was so funny! Loved it! LOL I could see my Lucy, (canine) being much like that. LOL

  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Saturday, June 04, 2011 7:14:52 PM 
This is hilarious, I find it so real...
[velvet_liselle] Thursday, May 26, 2011 6:02:29 AM 

A sudden and violent hurricane sank a ship. One of the passangers woke up on a beach alone, without food, drink or any tools, but with a lot of tropical fruit hanging around. As he was used to staying at 5 star hotels he just didn't know what to do, so for the next few months he ate bananas and drank coconut milk thinking about the life he had had. He would often go to the beach and stare at the ocean waiting to spot a ship passing. One day he saw a boat, and sitting in it the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Guy: What are you doing here? 
Woman: I live on the other side of the island. I got there when my ship sank.
G: That's wonderful. I didn't know anybady else survived. How many of you are there? How lucky that you got the boat from the ship!
W: There's nobody but me. And the boat is not from the ship.
G:So where is it from?
W: I made it off materials available here on the island.
G: It's impossible, How did you do it? You didn't have tools!
W: It was easy. On my side of the island there's an untypical rock, I discovered I can melt out iron out of it. And I made tools out of that iron.  Ok, and what about you. Where do you live?
G:(ashamed).  Still on the beach.
W: Ok, let's go to my place then.

After a few minutes of rowing the girl moored the boat, the guy looked around and opened his eyes wide. In front of him there was a stone path leading to a smart house painted white and blue. When they were walking towards it, the girl said : "it may not be much, but I call it home".

W: Sit down, want a drink? 
G: Thanks, I have enough of coconut milk. 
W: It's not coconut milk. What about some Pinacolada?

The guy took the drink and started sipping. The sat down on the sofa and told the girl his story, and listened to hers. After a while, the girl left him to change into something more comfortable, leaving him she asked if he wanted to take a shower and shave. She told him there was a razor in the bathroom upstairs. The guy was surprised but said nothing, he went up, took a shower and shaved. When he got down he found the girl dressed in strategically placed leaves smelling something wonderful.

W:  You have been here for such a long time? Haven't you ever felt lonely? I'm sure there's something you have been longing to do all these months....

 For a while she was looking into his eyes. The guy could believe his ears, finally he asked:
G:Don't tell me that I can check my emails from here?!

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 7:21:38 PM 

Taoism: Shit Happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before.
Islam: If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage.
Zen: What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening?
Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
Confucianism: Confucius Say, "Shit Happens."
7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens On Saturdays.
Protestanism: Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder.
Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens."
Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Us?
Atheism: There is no shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit.

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 8:41:01 AM 
A wolf is watching a German porno movie with his eyes wide open.
- Holy shit, I could have done so many things with her but I just ate her!

[velvet_liselle] Monday, May 23, 2011 8:37:21 AM 

- Could I screw you, Kate?
- I'm not Kate.
- But  I didn't ask about it...

[velvet_liselle] Sunday, May 22, 2011 3:57:35 PM 
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you
watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes
them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday
Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare.

[velvet_liselle] Saturday, May 21, 2011 3:35:13 AM 
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
[Head banger] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:59:47 PM 
I had that same list of questions about canada

good shit
  [Show/Hide Quoted Message] (Quoting Message by velvet_liselle from Friday, May 20, 2011 7:07:07 PM)
[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 7:07:07 PM 
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

>> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
>> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
>> them die.

>> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
>> A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

>> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
>> tracks?(Sweden)
>> A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

>> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>> A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

>> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville! and Hervey Bay? (USA)
>> A: What did your last slave die of?

>> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
>> (USA)
>> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
>> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
>> not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
>> Kings Cross. Come naked.

>> Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>> A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
>> we’ll send the rest of the directions.

>> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

>> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
>> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
>> is...oh forget it.Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
>> in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

>> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (! UK)
>> A: You are a British politician, right?

>> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
>> round? (Germany)
>> A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
>> illegal.

>> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
>> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
>> Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
>> good pets.

>> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
>> its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>> A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
>> of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[velvet_liselle] Friday, May 20, 2011 6:53:54 PM 
Subject: intellectual question
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number (2)
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[metalgodess] Friday, May 20, 2011 10:40:42 AM 


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